My heart just left in a Maxima, bound for Texas. 
Literally, I feel as though my heart will simply break in two- and even when I don’t think I have any tears left to cry, I am stunned as more begin pouring out.
So here it is. And beware- real, raw emotion ahead.
My precious boyfriend is a badge-carrying member of the Air National Guard, 117th Refueling Wing stationed at BHM. He went to basic last year and was schedule to leave for tech school next Wednesday- 3 months of training in wichita falls, texas, whereby he learns how to do his job with the ANG. We knew it was coming and had been preparing for this day ever since we met and started dating. We should have expected the unexpected, as our relationship in and of itself was unexpected and unplanned.
He made a few calls yesterday morning and waited on superiors to call him back, preparing for the onslaught of questions- when exactly are you leaving, when exactly will you be back, what do you have to take, when do you have to be at BHM next week, etc., etc. We talked about 1330h for about 30 minutes. It was a great discussion (thank You, Father) filled with good conversation and solving of some issues we were working through. It was all good, and I was ecstatic. He went into a mandatory ethics meeting, I went to study for a midterm that night, we texted for awhile and I studied, then headed to class. I’d walked in to the convenience store to get some caffeine and left my phone in the car. Came back out to a missed call from his sister-in-law and a message- as usual, I called her right back w/out listening to the message. She was distraught and in her always-sweet, ever-protective voice asked, “how ya doin’…you OK? We’re gonna make it through this, OK? We will…” and I’m thinking in my head, “it’s just a midterm….not that big a deal.” I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about and what was going on and then started to get a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. And for good reason. With a huge gasp, she said “oh, you don’t know…- you need to call him right now. Right now- he’s OK, he wasn’t in a wreck, he’s fine, but you need to call him right now”. She ended up telling me what she knew then and there.
He was supposed to be there Monday. Like, 2 days ago, Monday. Now, it’s Tuesday, ’round about 1600h, and they want him there today- tonight, in fact. Which means…oh, yes. He has to leave at 0600h this morning to make it there.
Somebody messed up. Somebody didn’t tell him he had to be out there 10 days before his actual start date. Somebody didn’t get him his orders in time. Somebody dropped the ball.
So the elation I felt after having a beautiful, wonderful, productive conversation with him, the happiness I felt when we talked about everything we would do these next few days- together and with his family- all of that….came crashing down in a matter of a couple of hours.
I got the news and took my midterm- hopefully I did well on it, but I couldn’t really care less at that point in time. He was trying to shield me from that news before my test because he knew what state I would be in, whereas my “Jenninninn” was thinking she could comfort me because I did already know. Oh, the love of that family. I focused as much as I could, then called him as soon as I left the building. I wasn’t prepared for what I heard. “Jenninninn” told me that he would have to leave Thursday. He made no small talk except to ask if I was out of my midterm- yes, of course, I told him. And the very bad news hit me like an 18 wheeler- “I have to leave tomorrow for Texas. Somebody got my orders wrong and I have to leave tomorrow morning.” Silence. I thought it was a joke- a very bad joke, but a joke. We are very sarcastic w/each other, all in good fun and jest and love, so I thought he might be kidding. The tone of his voice said otherwise, though. And I didn’t have to play dumb because I really was surprised- I was thinking we’d have at least another day to get things ready and organize and pack and such. Nope. Not happening. I told him I would be right there and in a flurry of activity, ran home, threw some things in a bag, got the pups squared away and ran out the door, headed for MeadowBrook. My mind going 90 to nothing, tears streaming down my face, yelling at people to move faster and get out of my way. I am sad, scared, mad, angry, upset, disappointed, bewildered, frustrated…and I’m driving on 280. Great.
The full week that I thought I had with him was now being crammed into 12 hours???? Really?? This wasn’t seriously happening.I feel like I’m being robbed- I AM being robbed of time with him. But yes- the closer I got, the more real it became. I made it to his house and was greeted by his wonderful, precious family. We talked for a little while, hugged, whispered, shook our heads in disbelief and continued the process of helping him organize, pack and try as much as possible not to stress. Rather, they helped him pack and organize. I stood around and watched everybody, but the more I did, the sadder I got. I played with the boys for awhile and walked up and down the stairs and talked to family and such. When we finally did get to put our arms around each other, we stayed there for awhile. Oh, how I wish I could’ve frozen time- or at least put a delay on it. We all spent the next couple of hours trying to eat something (neither he nor I was hungry in the slightest), packing, stressing, organizing, going over quickly-made checklists, more stressing, sighing, continuing to shake our heads in disbelief, hugging…and oh, yes, I’m afraid even more stressing. It’s hard when you think you’ll have a week to spend time with everybody, tell them goodbye, kiss and hug and play with all the kids, hang out with your family, hang out with your girlfriend and do all the things on your “to-do” list…and then not be able to do any of it before you leave for 3 months. There was no easing in, no “de-stress” button to push, no time delay, no waiting. It was head-first into stress, and neither of us were prepared for it.
And, OH, the love this family has to give. I am so blessed to be a part of it- if anything immediately good was to come out of this, it would be that Christ’s love was shown in some amazing ways last night. The family coming together and praying over my boy, loving on him, helping him, serving him in whatever way they knew how- and not only him, but me. I’m distraught and everybody, including me, is worried about everybody else- how can I help YOU? What can I do for YOU? What can I do to make this easier on YOU? We prayed so many times last night- by ourselves, of course, but in little groups, in clusters, in spurts. I didn’t sleep any last night, so that’s about all I did was talk to the Lord. And cry, of course. I know I am part of this family- even without “officially” being a part of them, I am “officially” part of them. I know I can call each and every one of them and cry to them, ask for encouragement, laugh with them, talk with them and pray with them. I know them, I feel them, I love them- and I am so grateful God gave them to me. I have talked to each of them today- each of them calling to “check in on me” and see how I’m “doing”- crappy, I say. It hurts. It sucks, and it hurts, and they know it. I struggled with the fact that everyone was calling to check in on ME, and said on more than one occasion, “he left you, too, ya know… he’s your brother or your son or your brother-in-law…” And I was gently reminded that while that is true, and it hurts for them, too, I’m allowed to feel this way because I DO have a different relationship with him than they do. I am the only person on EARTH that gets to have the relationship with him that I do- that of the girlfriend, of the woman he leans on, of the person he treasures and cares about most above few others.
I stayed there last night, on the couch in his den, and of course, there was no sleeping to done. I was up- wondering, worrying, trying to go to sleep, thinking, praying, sniffling, trying to think of the good that could come out of this instead of how my heart felt like it would burst from the sheer rate at which it was pumping blood. I was up- wondering if he was up, wondering if he was asleep or what he was thinking about, playing out the day’s events and emotions…and trying to make sense of it all. You know how they say “your mind was whirling with thoughts” or “you can’t slow your brain down”- I now know what “they” mean. I couldn’t turn my brain off, I couldn’t stop thinking and I couldn’t get over the whirl of emotions in my head. It was like walking through shoulder-deep water, then getting hit by a wave, then trudging through again. My mind was literally going in circles, and I couldn’t stop it- each thought led me to another thought which inevitably led me to tears YET again. I talked to my Father a good bit- He heard me cry and complain and question His will for my life and for S’ life and for his families’ lives. And as much as I tried to remember that He is in control, He does hold our lives in the palm of His hand, He DOES have a plan and He IS working it out as we speak…it didn’t ease the pain any, unfortunately, because He did make us human beings. Human beings with real, raw, human emotion.
I was so thankful (thanks, Nana and Paw!) to be able to stay at the house last night and be with him this morning when he left. We prayed a good few times between the rechecking of bags and the stress of leaving on time and trying to put some food in his already-anxious, running-on-adrenaline body. I didn’t want to see him go- each and every time he pulled me to him, I wanted to hold onto him forever and ever. I didn’t want to see him get in the car and drive away, not knowing (but fully knowing, if that makes any sense) what was going on in his head and in his heart. I wanted to call that blasted base that screwed him over and tell them what a mess they made and that they needed to right it somehow. I prayed as I held him, then watched him get in the car and drive off. I walked up the stairs, walked up to his room and collapsed on my knees, bawling. It hurts. It hurts badly, but I know that I have it- that WE have it, that HE and his FAMILY and I have it so much easier than others.
There are some blessings to this, I guess. (You see I’m looking for the bright side, for the blessings, for the good in this- it’s hard to come by at the moment.) First and foremost, my precious guy is going to Texas. That’s a plane ride away if he wants me out there. He’s NOT on a boat in an undisclosed location, he’s NOT in Iraq or Afghanistan, and he’s not protecting a border somewhere. He’s in Texas, where they have phones and letters and emails and internet and texting- and airports to bring me out there 
Maybe God let this happen to save us from emotions next week or from travel woes or from weather issues- or maybe it’s another lesson in control…how we don’t have any! Let’s see…my boy is able-bodied and prepared for the challenges that lie ahead. He has a Living Savior prepared to meet his every need. He has a fantastic car to get him out there safely and quickly (emphasis on the “quickly” part…). He has a job to come back to when he returns home. He has access to cash and a bank account for incidentals out there. He has family who is dedicated to him and the call he answered by being in the guard. And maybe the biggest one…he will only be there for 3 months. I say that because yes, 3 months is a long time- it’s as long as we’ve known each other. Actually, he’ll be gone longer than we’ve known each other. However- he won’t be gone for a year or 3 years or 6 months. 12 miserable weeks- I mean, 12 short weeks.
So…if you are reading this, and you feel so led, please feel free to pray for the both of us, but especially him and especially in the next week to 10 days. This will be a huge time of transition- and much earlier than we expected. And without warning. It hurts to see someone you love in pain and in a state of shock and disbelief and not be able to do anything about it; nevertheless, here we are, and we’ll continue down this road now for the simple reason that we can’t turn back. God has called us to be here now, doing what we’re doing now, so…do that we will.
Prayer requests: that S will be able to work through this process in the next 6 hours or so and be prepared to go to work and be all in that military state of mind by the time he gets there
that S will arrive safely and quickly and that he will be pointed in the right direction so as not to waste any time
that S will stay healthy in every sense of the word- physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally
that S will be able to get all of his affairs in order, all the things on his “to-do” list that he didn’t get done, finished before he actually starts school
that S and I will have time to talk on the phone, email and text each other, that our communication skills would get even more sharp with time and distance
that S would be given a roommate who is a Believer, and if that’s not God’s will, that he would be given someone to whom he can and wants to minister
Please, please pray that God would ease the loneliness and separation that my wonderful, kind, sweet man is sure to feel, especially considering the manner in which he left. Please pray that he stays focused on his tasks, on his schoolwork and his duties while on base. And pray that his relationship with Jesus Christ will be strengthened and deepened in ways he can’t imagine.
More updates to come…in the meantime, please pray for a content heart, a quieted spirit, things to do to keep me busy, a praying and nurturing nature and continued renewals of strength to be able to dole out to my sweet love as necessary.
