Weird. Very weird.

That can apply to so many things, but right now, let’s just let it apply to this posting in that the last post I wrote was SO happy and hoppy and full of hope and excitement and such. Now- well…not so much. 

I don’t know why….well, I don’t know why A LOT of things. If that makes any sense. Lots and lots of unanswered questions that may or may not be answered…ever or anytime soon. I don’t know. I have lots and lots of unresolved….um…issues (not the right word, but it’ll work here). Selfishly, I want to know why- I want to know all these answers, and I want to know them now. I want to know why I’m here, what the point of all this is and what the outcome will be. I can’t fix anything. I can’t answer anything. I don’t know a whole lot right now. And I find myself in a predicament. 

I am trusting of the Lord and His will for my life, not my will. I know that I know that I KNOW that He is faithful and will deliver on His promises. When I gave my life to Him, laid down my life at the foot of the cross and said I’d follow Him and Him alone, it meant that I would follow Him and Him alone through whatever he allowed to come my way- and all for His glory. Trusting in His Word, being faithful to His commands, sacrificing my life for His glory alone…the whole reason we are even here on this earth. I say I am trusting, anyway. It takes great faith to say that and then actually live it out- faith which I’m not totally sure I have enough of at this very moment. It’s always easier to believe and have “that kind of faith” when things are good and joyful and it’s easy to praise God- it’s a much different kind of faith when you’re sad and down, when life is “suckola” and it’s hard to praise God. I have few people in my life, personally, and hear of few people around the world who have that kind of faith and actually live it out on a daily basis. It’s hard, and it takes self-sacrifice (something which we humans are just not good at!) and it takes the grace that Jesus gives us to even have that ability to have the faith in Him that He WILL do what He says because He is LORD- if He doesn’t, He negates His very nature, which would mean I’m here for absolutely no purpose at all. I find myself doubting my faith, wondering if I have what it takes to make it through (insert situation/place in life). 

A dear friend recently told me that the Lord never brings us to a stormy sea without His hand first stirring up the waters- or allowing them to be stirred. She also told me that it’s during these times we spend SO much time wondering “why?” and questioning God and trying to fix it and resolve it and “close it” or make it right…when we should be using that time to gain a better understanding of Jesus’ love for us. Instead of trying to fix it and do all those things (read: control all those things), we should be drawing close to Him for our comfort, especially in the middle of something that really hurts, in the middle of grief or loss or despair, especially in the middle of things that just don’t seem to make any sense- at all. 

I know that the Lord is in control, I know that He has a plan (I wish that He would let me in on His plan, but anyway….), I know that I am where I am for His reasons and His glory alone whether it has anything to do with my happiness or not, I know that His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways, I know that this rough patch of life (however long it may last or have lasted) is most likely small in the grand scheme of things, I know that there are many lessons to be learned right now. I know all of this. God, deepen my faith in You! God, increase my faith and strength as I grow in the grace and knowledge of You! Oh, Father, grant me an accepting and trusting heart of anything You bring my way. Lord, let me praise You and bring glory to Your name in whatever befalls me or makes me joyful! 

There are more than a few songs that are on constant playback- either in my head (very likely), on my iPod (very likely) or on my playlist when at the computer (totally likely). Here are just a few: 

*honestly this one seems like it was made just for me* 

Tenth Avenue North- Hold My Heart                                   

How long must I pray, must I pray to You? How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long ‘til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I’m on my knees, begging You to notice me- I’m on my knees, Father, will you turn to me? 

One tear in the driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain, could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am- right now I can barely stand. 
If You’re everything You say You are would You come close and hold my heart. 

I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes- so much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there’s no other way I’m done asking why
‘Cause I’m on my knees, begging You to turn to me- I’m on my knees, Father, will You run to me? 

One tear in the driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain, could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am- right now I can barely stand.
If You’re everything You say You are would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain… I can’t see but I’ll take my chances to hear You call my name, to hear You call my name…. 

Jimmy Needham- Hurricane 

I need you like a hurricane, thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tears my walls down, I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame, a wild fire untamed to burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now, I’m only Yours now 

I am Yours are You are mine, You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need, then I’ll receive it, Lord, from thee
Yes, I’ll receive it, Lord, from thee 

And it’s Your eye in the storm, watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm, wanting only good for me
And if You are the war, let me be Your casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone, I am only Yours, I am Yours alone, Lord . . . 

33 Miles- Apologize 

 I can’t run, I can’t hide, it don’t matter how hard I try
To move on, but

I don’t want to leave it, bury it and forget
I’ve already wasted so much time
Can’t wait another moment, am I all out of chances
For you to believe it’s on my mind
I’ve gotta let go of my pride and apologize

I thought I would never let go
never thought I could know what it’s like
To wake up, holding what I gave up,
After all this time still trying to find
What it is to forgive even when it isn’t that easy
so please believe me, cause 

I don’t want to leave it, bury it and forget
I’ve already wasted so much time
Can’t wait another moment, am I all out of chances
For you to believe it’s on my mind
I’ve gotta let go of my pride and apologize

If I caused you pain, I will take the blame
You can put it on me
if I broke your heart, if I left a scar
let me say I’m sorry.

 Third Day- Cry Out to Jesus 

To everyone who’s lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there’s nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that’s struggling just to hang on
They’ve lost all of their faith in love
They’ve done all they can to make it right again
Still it’s not enough

For the ones who can’t break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you’re not alone in your shame
And your suffering

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Third Day- Call My Name

It’s been so long since you felt like you were loved
so what went wrong
but do you know there’s a place where you belong
here in My arms

when you feel like you’re alone in your sadness
it seems like no one else in this whole world cares
and you want to get away from the madness
you just call My name and I’ll be there
you just call My name and I’ll be there

the pain inside has erased your hope for love
soon you will find that I’ll give you all
that your heart could ever want and so much more

when you feel like you’re alone in your sadness
it seems like no one else in this whole world cares
and you want to get away from the madness
you just call My name and I’ll be there
you just call My name and I’ll be there

call My name, say it now
I want you to never doubt the love I have for you is so alive
call My name, say it now
I want you to never doubt the love I have for you is so alive

“hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend’s back!”

Yes, he’s home! Yes, he has returned! The baby boy has found his way home, home, home, home (I’m quoting Marc Broussard there).

We had a great time of reconnecting some on Friday morning- my expectations were set very low (because of all the recent turmoil in getting out there and not being able to see him), so when he called an hour and half earlier than I expected him to, I was SO excited (that’s an understatement). (More, I was happy that I had taken a shower and was almost finished getting ready when he called- the other things I’d planned to do between then and the time he was supposed to call were kicked to the curb!) We met outside the hotel, and that time together was so sweet. Too quick and albeit a bit rushed, but so sweet.

In our time together, he took me around the base and showed me exactly where I’d be coming from and exactly where I’d be going- the route to take and everything. (Good thinking, baby- REALLY good. Good call.) He showed me where he’d been for the past 3 months- his dorm, gym, DFAC, BX, comissary, library, bank, track and field…. It was really neat to see where he’d called “home” for 3 months, but I could feel the excitement in the car and how very, very ready he was to get out of there. I don’t think either of us will ever be able to say “Texas” again and not a feel a certain angst and emotion that goes with that name. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

Anyway- he told me to be there 30 minutes early, I showed up an hour early. (Might as well try to be really really early in case something goes wrong [which I was sure it would've considering the past few days!].) I sat outside the hangar and watched, from afar, the Commander’s Call that happens every Friday at 150oh. I saw them dispersing and began to make my way inside. He had shown me earlier where to go, which doors to go into (again, calmed my nerves because I felt like I had control over something and I knew exactly where to go and when to be there- thanks, again, babe…), so I made my way inside and peeked in. Half of his class (including him) was already in there, sitting, waiting on instructions. They all turned around to see who it was that was coming in, and I saw a huge smile on his face (and then subsequent blushing!). I sat in the back and tried to control myself . He looked so handsome in his blues! The instructor (whom I knew from pictures only) began to go through the procedures for graduation and waited on a few more of their classmates to come in. He greeted me as “ma’am” and even included me in the ceremony (“we are happy to have our commander here for today’s ceremonies and also Jennifer Bush in support of Airman Roberts”). That was completely unnecessary, though, as I didn’t want any attention called to myself. They had a few minutes between the run-through and the actual ceremony- S got up from his seat with a huge smile on his face (nice that I can elicit that from him…. ) and since there’s no PDA when a serviceman is in uniform, I initiated the well-known “knuckles”, which was almost neater than a hug in uniform. And man alive, did that kid ever look handsome! He was so excited to be there- to be THERE and be within arm’s reach of being FINISHED, but to be getting his top graduate award as well. We had a few moments together, then the ceremony began. The room was pretty full because there were other students watching the graduation as well- and booooy, was it hot. The A/C was working double-time and still not keeping up. The commander came in, we all stood, listened to the National Anthem and continued on. TSGT Lovell was in charge of the ceremony and he introduced the commander and myself (again, totally unnecessary, but maybe it made S feel good!). He shared a few stories, a few anecdotes, then proceeded with the graduation. Everyone (all 8 of them!) shook hands w/the commander, were presented w/their certificate, got their maintenance badges pinned on their left chest, saluted the commander and walked off as a graduate from USAF Tech School. It was fantastic- and my boy was grinning ear to ear. They all were presented as graduates, everyone clapped, then they “zippered out” (one from the left side, one from the right, one from the left, etc.) and we were all asked to congraulate them on our way out. They came back in, we made some pictures, then headed back to his dorm. He changed (I waited- story of my life…) and got the rest of his stuff to pack in his already packed-up-and-ready-to-hit-the-road Maxima, then we hit the road. We drove from there to Dallas where I dropped off my car at Budget (thanks, Budget, for working with me), then began to make our way back towards home.

The music was blaring (of course, that’s the way we like it!), the lightning show was on in full force (but no rain, thankfully), I was SO happy to have my precious uniformed man next to me in the car, and I was anticipating an incredible ride home….filled with some talking, lots of singing and invisible-drum-playing, lots of smiles and stolen kisses and stopping for gas and caffeine.

But why would I think ANYTHING about that trip would work out the way it was supposed to? Again, here’s what actually happened….

We stopped for food (for me- he hasn’t been eating like he should b/c he said the food wasn’t great and he was only really eating one meal a day- how he survived, I have no idea!) at McDonald’s. I know- sounds bad- but I planned it that way. I’d planned my cheat day so that I could whatever whenever on the trip home, so that he wouldn’t have to stop and find me something healthy to eat somewhere and I could have caffeine-infused calorie-laden drinks to keep me up for the ride back home. We got food and I went to the gas station next door to get some energy-in-a-bottle (5 hour energy)…and I picked up some NoDoz, too. Bad idea. Well, something about one of those or the combination of those didn’t sit well with my stomach, and no less than an hours later, it hit me like a mac truck. I was staring out the window trying to keep my food down. S looked at me a few times- my peripheral vision is good- and I could see he was concerned but I was just concentrating on not…getting…sick…in…his…car. What a horrible feeling that is. I hate it! So we stopped to let me go to the bathroom and get something to hopefully settle my stomach. Of course, the place we stopped didn’t have any Drammamine (she’d thrown out the last bit of she’d had a few weeks earlier and I’d been the only one to stop in and ask since- go figure.) so I got some Pepto tablets and some 7Up. YUCK. I got in the car and felt better for a total of about 11 minutes, then it came back on again. So the next time we stopped (I asked him to stop 20 minutes earlier than he was planning on stopping), we stopped at a more reputable place and I DID find Drammamine- though I also got Sominex (so at least if I puked I’d sleep through it) and some Coke. Again- nothing doing. Didn’t help and the Drammamine didn’t help me sleep either. I was miserable. AND I was anxious about getting sick, which doesn’t make my stomach feel any better and only perpetuates that horrible feeling.

What was worse is that I felt like I’d completely screwed up S’ plans for driving home, though he seemed OK. I asked him a few times if he was angry with me because he was soooo quiet I was afraid he was angry with me (secretly, I think he was, but if he’s says he’s not, I’m going to take him at his word!). There were SO many things I wanted to talk to him about and get his opinion on and hear from him, and none of it happened because I was terrified that if I moved one inch or said even one sentence, it would have aaaaall been over. (Ha, literally.) There were SO many times I looked at him and just watched him sing, watched him drive, thought about what I wanted to say. I reached over a few times and touched his arm, brushed his arm with my hand and left my hand there, simply so I could have some contact with him. I needed it so badly. In my haze of Drammamine and anxiousness and nausea, I remember hearing some really good songs and I wanted SO badly to get up and sing along with them, but I knew that was out of the question. I can’t believe I made it all the way back and didn’t get sick. How did THAT happen? “What a BEAUTIFUL sight!!!” I wanted to yell as we watched the sunrise together from the car. Then we came through Tuscaloosa and started seeing the familiar sights of 459…of McCalla, of Bessemer, of Hoover, of the Summit, then making our way onto 280. I could only muster a smile and a “welcome home, baby…” as flew past Target, headed for the house. Fitting end, huh?

We made it back and he took me home with him (again, thank you, baby- sweet move) and I immediately went to the downstairs bedroom (“the cave”) and tried to sleep it off. S was able to spend a few minutes with his parents, then he went upstais and went into a sleep-induced coma. No more had he gotten upstairs and settled than the rain started coming down and the thunder and lightning began again. By the time I was able to walk normally again, it was about 11, so I made my way upstairs and found a note from his parents saying they’d gone to run a few errands. I tried to eat a little something (but that didn’t work) and piddled around the house- watched the rain come down, returned some voice mails, wrote a bit, etc. They came home about noon, which is about the time S woke up and joined us. We all talked for a few minutes, then I started getting bags in and helping S unpack some. His sister and her girls came over a little while later- I heard them upstairs. I finally had enough energy to take a shower and I thought “I probably need to put some clothes on in case a little girl finds her way downstairs before I’m dressed….” and sure enough, here comes niece #1 peeking her head around the corner no sooner than I’d gotten the shirt over my head. Precious little girl!

We all got to hang out together- in the house and around the pool- most everyone got in the pool, but S’ sister and mama and myself all hung out around the pool. That is…until S and his sister decided to throw me in…fully clothed. Awesome. It was fun, however, I have to admit. I had a blast- even fully clothed. We played around with each other and the kids were climbing all over us and jumping in everywhere and showing us diving and horseplay skills We had a blast, then we all jumped out and dried off. His sister and I went to get dinner-making stuff and we all had dinner together. We got to hang out some, then we were all off to bed. (Including me! I stayed downstairs !)

I was able to wake up rested and refreshed (thank you, Sominex!) and had breakfast w/my precious boy and his parents before heading to church. I was SO excited to be there with him in the morning, to see him dressed in his blues and ready for church and then to get to go to church with him after 15 weeks of going alone (well, not totally alone- C and C were always there!). It was just exactly how I’d imagined it- we listened to some music on the way, I kissed him at the red light I always kiss him at and we parked and walked up to church together hand-in-hand. As he was in his dress blues (and looking SO darn handsome!), more than a few people walked up to him and shook his hand and thanked him for his service to our country. My heart swelled with pride each and every time, and I remembered how fortunate I was that God gave me him. I’m sure there were so many people looking at him and oohing and ahhhing over this military man (which he, of course, loved every second of!), and I was so happy to be a part of his “glory”. I so VERY much enjoyed looking over at him during church, resting my hand on his thigh, holding his hand during prayer…it was fantastic. I was so happy to be there with him after so, so long of not.

We went to eat w/C and C afterward, got caught in a monsoon and drove home where we both changed and were able to have some time together- nothing exciting, no pressure on either of us, just watching TV and enjoying having each other next to us. It was fantastic- I’m so, SO glad he’s home.

MY PRECIOUS BOY IS HOME!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I GOT TO SEE MY PRECIOUS LOVE A FEW HOURS AGO!!!!

He was able to meet me outside my hotel, and we were able to reconnect and hug and hold each other for awhile. It was so great- though not what I intended, it’s what God planned for us, and I’m accepting of that.

We were able to see each other in a comfortable setting, then go to the base and get my visitor’s pass, see where he’s been calling home for the past 14 weeks or more and then go grab some lunch. It was great- very surreal. It was very, VERY surreal and strange to be sitting across from him at lunch. LITERALLY, sitting across from him. Able to touch him. Able to look at him and smile. Able to see HIM smile and laugh. It was great to reconnect a bit and see each other after SOOOOO long of not. I’m excited for the next few hours (graduation is at 1700h) and the drive home. It’ll be hard, but he’ll be home and ultimately, that’s where he wants to be, so I’m good.

UPDATES (including pictures) TO COME IN THE NEAR FUTURE! Please be in prayer for a safe and uneventful ride home as we drive through the night to get home tomorrow morning.

Praise be to the Lord, for He is good.

The surprise that wasn’t….and a pretty bad day.

No, these problems are not huge, even slightly big, to others. They pale in comparison to others’ problems- issues like terminal illnesses, trouble paying the car note and mortgage because one or both are looking for jobs (not careers but A JOB period), a parent who is dying, a child who is trying every last bit of their patience…or the really bad stuff like no clean and/or running water, no clothes, no food, no Bibles, no parents, no hope. However, this day was big for me and had been planned to be that way for some time.

This was supposed to be one of the coolest posts I’ve ever put up here; however, as you’ll soon see, it is, sadly, NOT.

Today was supposed to be the day that I surprised S here in Wichita Falls. I’d schemed a fantastic plan to get out here and unbeknownst to him, be waiting at the local Best Buy when he came to pick up a surprise I’d told him would be delivered there (that would be me).  We meet, we reconnect, we talk for awhile, we hang out, he goes to class, he aces test, he graduates, we ride back together, end of fantastic surprise story. However….this is what happened.

The day started off early (0300h) and I made it to the airport early (thanks, boyfriend’s mom!) and breezed through security with my bag. I’d made sure to pack everything perfectly and leave the clear plastic bag full of all my 3 oz containers (freakin’ terrorists…) on top so they could check it out. I packed as light as possible, keeping in mind that my stuff was going back w/my boyfriend in his car…and aaaaall the stuff he’s collected over his 3 months in Wichita Falls. They said there were more than a few things w/more than 3 oz of fluid in them (whatever) so they made me check it- back to the front of the terminal, check it, back through the security line, back through the checking of everything else, etc. I leave basically on time, though they said there was a “thunderstorm” near Dallas, so they weren’t allowing us to leave as scheduled b/c we’d be wasting gas riding around in the air when we got there (i.e., unable to land). They let us leave anyway. We have a pretty uneventful flight, except for the constant circus in my stomach. (No food + angst + nervousness= yucky-feeling Jen.) It got better for awhile, then I got more nervous, thinking about what was to come, wondering if everything would work out OK. (Little did I know.) Thankfully, the Coke (and second Coke) and fun, plane shaped graham cracker snacks made a dent in my hunger and helped ease the nausea- for a bit, anyway. (The same medicine could not work, though, for the crying, screaming, tantrum-pitching child in front of me. ALL. THE. WAY. THERE.) Then we started circling Dallas. ‘Round and ’round we went, everyone wondering. The pilot said we were going to wait a bit and see if we could get in b/c the weather was so bad- I got pictures of the clouds. They didn’t look that terrifying to me- but I’m not a weather forecaster or a pilot, so what do I know? We continued to stay in a holding pattern FOR AN HOUR. That’s right. Then we were diverted to San Antonio. SAN AN-FREAKING- TONIO. So now I’m thinking…OK. Now what? If I get stuck here, what do I do? Can I rent a car and drive to WF? Nope. San Antonio doesn’t do one-way rentals. I can’t get a new flight to Dallas b/c they’re not letting anyone land there. My head is spinning, I’m still nauseated, the kid in front of me is screaming bloody murder because his mother is making him sit  on his bottom w/his seat belt on and I’m sitting at San Antonio on the tarmac w/the rest of the plane wondering what’s next. This is soooo not what I had planned.

I turn on my phone to start making some calls and doing some research and find I don’t have but a sliver of battery left. My best friend calls, S’ mom calls, there are 5 emails (work), 4 texts…and then S calls. He wonders why I’m so down and what’s wrong- remember, at this point he has no idea what’s going on. I try to keep the secret, but end up telling him what his surprise is, though it’s not looking like he’s going to get much of a surprise considering I’m supposed to see him in 2 hours, and I’m in San Antonio. On a plane. Buckled in and not going anywhere. SO- I tell him and he is surprised, I guess- with him, it’s hard to tell sometimes what’s surprised and what’s normal. Plus, I’m ticked off that I HAVE to tell him, so I’m probably reading into it. (I hope I am, anyway.) Back to it- I tell him where I am. “I’m….(big sigh) in San Antonio.” “Oh, you ARE, are you?” he says, very surprised to hear those words leave my mouth. Yes, I tell him- and continue to tell him what SHOULD have happened and what HAS happened and what I don’t know WILL happen. He tries to talk me through it, but no amount of anyone talking me through anything could have made that better. We talk for awhile then continue to text afteward while I’m waiting on some sense of direction and time for the day. (The Lord definitely had His hand in continuing the battery life b/c I am NOT kidding it was about to die when we started talking.) OK, so the flight attendants (who were fantasic through it all, by the way- thanks to Cami, Patti and Mitch) start moving people off the plane who are actually stepping off at San Antonio (so this diversion saves them a few hours), leaving the rest of us to figure out where everyone’s going and when they need to be there. Collective thought, hands raised to questions asked about different destinations, more waiting, more wondering, people step off to go to the bathroom and get drinks, more collective thought, everyone on cell phones making new arrangements, announcements galore across the plane’s intercom, flight attendant telling jokes and singing songs in the aisle, etc. They are trying so hard to keep us all somewhat happy, but props to all the ones on my plane, they all did great. Everyone was very patient, even though we wanted to hit and throw things (I would have been the ringleader of all that.) SO…they finally come on about 2 hours later and say we’re boarding (hence, leaving) immediately and taking on passengers from San Antonio who are headed to San Diego. (Apparently they stop in DAL.) We board, full to the brim (including 4 extra screaming children) and sit. And we sit. And we sit some more. We wait for 30 minutes, then finally take off. I think I have never been so excited to take off, my flight at 0705 that same morning notwithstanding. We take off and they start throwing drinks and peanuts to everyone to appease us (though we’re pretty cool) and I sit next to a guy named Ted who immediately dozes off (lucky jerk). I try to sleep b/c at this point, I know I’m not going to see S until after he gets out of class and I can’t do anything about- it’s all out of my hands and even if I broke every speed limit possible, I couldn’t get to him before he goes to class. So I’ve given up that dream- plus, he already knows the surprise is up, so whatever. At this point, I only want to be on the ground and out of this BLASTED plane (and that’s saying something because I LOVE to fly). SO…we get to DAL….and we’re put in a holding pattern. A. HOLDING. PATTERN. Are you freaking KIDDING ME????!!!! We’re circling, wasting gas (yet again) and after 45 minutes (!!!!!!!!!!!!) of circling are finally allowed to join in line with those waiting to land. A “50 minute flight gate to gate” has turned into an hour and 45 minutes. I have never been so excited to see the ground. We land. I thank all the flight attendants and they wish me luck with the next few hours (by now, they know the story- heehee ).  I deplane and go to baggage. Someone has messed up the bags and where my bags should have been, they were not. They should not have been, they were. I am frustrated. I finally find my bag (which shouldn’t have been checked in the first place) and head to get my car. I finally find the shuttle to Enterprise and they take me to get my car. Offering me a bottle of water (which was drained in a matter of 75 seconds) was a treat. They take all my information and my reservation number…and then proceed to ask for my round-trip ticket itinerary so that I can pay with my debit card. I tell them over and over and over again that I booked the reservation with Enterprise SPECIFICALLY for that reason- I don’t use credit cards b/c I don’t like them and they get me in trouble. I don’t have a credit card I can use, which is the WHOLE reason I booked w/Enterprise in the first place. I told them that the lady I had talked to when I made the reservation originally said that I could pay with a debit card even though I didn’t have a R/T itinerary, that everyone I talked to required it but Enterprise did not- that they would simply freeze the deposit in my checking account and release it when I returned the car and the keys. This didn’t happen, obviously (because why woudl ANYTHING go according to plan on this day?). I am not sad or about to cry by this point, I am MAD. Livid. About to throw things, MAD. The manager says he doesn’t mind running my debit card and he’d do it if the computer will let him, but it can’t be charged by the same company twice in the same hour. I don’t understand this, but he explains to me it can’t be done…and I feel like I’m up a creek. He tries to get me in touch w/another company they own, but can’t get in touch w/anyone at the desk, so he takes me himself. I get there, hopeful to be moving on….and they tell me the same thing. I feel like dissolving in a little puddle of nothingness on the floor and leaving them to clean up the mess. This time, no one tries to help me at all. So I go to my trusty Blackberry (thank you, GOD, for wonderful technology and people who know how to make it work)… and it’s dead. DEAD. And I can’t find an outlet to plug it in (story of the day). I finally find one in the restroom (HA! and you thought the story couldn’t get any better…) and start on my search. The first one I get to (thank you, Lord, for directing my fingers and thoughts to the answer right away) is Budget- I call and get a reservation immediately, all the while asking over and over again “do I need a return itinerary to use a debit card? Are you sure? Are you positive? I won’t get over there and be told it can’t be done?” She assures me this won’t be a problem, and I am cautiously excited to be possibly leaving the place I’ve been dying to get to since 0705 this morning. (WHEW.) However…I’m at the car rental place, so I catch their shuttle back to the airport to see the Budget shuttle in front of me. I grab my stuff and shuffle there, tapping on his window to let me in. He gets me to the office, I meet a very nice lady who takes excellent care of me and puts me in a red Ford Focus. (Y’all, this car is NICE, by the way!) I move through efficiently and easily and head out toward Wichita Falls. And the time? The time is now 1645- S has been in class for 45 mintues and I haven’t even left the airport that I was supposed to fly into at 0850 yet. Unbelievable.

SO…I make the 2 hour trek to Wichita Falls, check into my m/hotel (which is great) and meet the lady I’ve been talking to for a month about my room (she’s the one at the front desk)- she’s fantastic. She wishes me a great night. By now I can barely see straight b/c there’s a mixture of nervousness and anxiousness and not eating and complete excitement at the thought of seeing my boy in a few minutes or a few hours, whenever he gets out of class. I go in and refresh my makeup, curl my hair again, spritz some perfume…and then he calls. I am SO excited to see his name and picture pull up on my phone! We talk for a few minutes and I say “so….come see me!” and he says matter-of-factly…”nope. Can’t. Can’t leave base ’til midnight.” He continues to talk for the next minute and half or so on and off, but I don’t remember any of the words that came out of his mouth. Again- are you FREAKING KIDDING ME???!!!! I make this whole trek out here and I have to wait AGAIN??!! AGAIN???!!!! This can’t be happening. But oh yes, it is. He says he’s sorry and he was under the impression that he’d be able to leave directly after his test (after all, what ELSE were they going to do?), but his instructor said they couldn’t leave. And he’s certainly not going to come over at midnight b/c he needs to sleep as much as possible if he’s driving back directly after graduation. So…I hang up with him as soon as possible and dissolve in a pool of tears and screaming in a pillow. I haven’t cried like that since the day he left. Pretty fitting, huh?, considering that’s the way he left- I guess that’s the way he should come back, too. It was NOT a good day. I went to the store to get some “help” for sleeping that night- while I should have been thoroughly exhausted, I was not. I am headed to bed now, hoping and praying for a better day tomorrow.

I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m confused, I’m ticked off, I feel like I wasted a whole lot of time and money and I brought a lot of stress and heartache on myself for absolutely nothing. I have blisters and raw places on the back of my achilles tendons from the heels I was NOT supposed to be wearing for 9 hours. My toes are swollen (not much, but it’s something else to add to the list- sure, why not?!) from being in said shoes for 9 hours. The TSA agent who checked my bag didn’t put back my 3/4 full bottle of Proactiv that he took out at 0630 this morning, so if I go back and it’s not there, I’ll have to buy more. (Another $20 down the drain.) I won’t be able to see him ’til tomorrow, so I feel like the whole freaking day has been a waste, and a lot of time and energy and heartache and stress for nothing in return at all.

I am praying for a much better day tomorrow.

13 weeks down… 4 (FOUR!) DAYS TO GO!!!

I’m literally having to keep myself from bouncing up and down as I write this. I. AM. SO. EXCITED. I. JUST. ABOUT. CAN’T. STAND. IT.

I have a great big honkin’ surprise prepared for him- you who follow this blog (all..what, 2 of you?) will be the first ones to find out as soon as it happens. Well, that and anyone who sees my Facebook status that day. (By the way, Facebook is fast approaching one of the top things I’m so grateful to technology for- and to the nerds that started it!). Anyway- just stay tuned- it’s gonna be great. He’s getting daily hints of what his surprise will be, and it’s keeping him in complete suspense. He has no idea (I don’t think…hmmm….), and I intend to keep it that way. As technology is SO great these days, should I put it on my blog or on Facebook, it’ll be JUST my luck that I’ll ruin my own surprise before I even get to dish it out. SO. Mouth shut!

In 4 days I will see my boy for the first time in 3 months! Unbelievable! Mentally, he’s already gone- already outta there, checked out, paid the tab, done-zo, etc. Unless he miserably bombs this last test (to be taken Thursday evening), he will make his coveted Distinguished Graduate award. YAY! I’m so proud of him, as this has taken hard work, lots of studying, dedication and sacrifice on his part to excel at something few have the drive to accomplish. He deserves every bit of that award and so much more. Way to go, babe! (I’m assuming here- guess I’ll have to wait to congratulate him!)

I just realized this! I guess this is the last post asking for prayer for my guy as he goes through his training at tech school! Awww- that makes me a little sad- but I’m over it now. HA! Just to see how far we’ve come and what we’ve been through in 3 months and what we’ve learned…holy cow. It’s been a long 3 months. We (BOTH) are so thankful to have this trial almost finished and be on the verge of getting back to something resembling normalcy. He’s packing stuff up, going through processing details, closing up mailboxes, readying himself for graduation day and to get the heck out of there. Don’t think we’ll be taking any trips to Texas anytime soon, will we?  He won’t go back there for awhile!

Thank you all for you constant prayers for him, for his family and for me as we’ve been through this. Thank you all for praying for him, for praying specifically for him and the requests I’ve thrown your way. We know that this is our duty and our privilege as brothers and sisters in Christ, to interced on each other’s behalf and carry burdens for each other that are difficult to bear. This was very unexpected and very new for him, as he wasn’t planning on having a girlfriend back at home to “have to” take care of and call to talk to and worry about and blahblahblah. He did great, we both learned a lot and his family and I have grown soooo much closer (love y’all, by the way). It’s crazy, but I believe I know them better than I do him- but that’s what happens when you get to know someone(s) in 3 months. Ya get to know each other! I LOVE THEM!

All that said…the next few posts should be really good, so STAY TUNED! Good things to come! 

12 weeks down….10 days and counting

10 DAYS. Unbelievable.

The boy will be coming home a full 3 days early, so I’m happy, his family is happy and we’re (all) ready to have him home and back to some sense of normalcy. A regular work schedule (albeit at the base for a month on active duty), dinners with family and friends, church on Sundays, text messages and emails that don’t have to cross 776 miles , seeing his car parked at it’s regular parking space when I go downtown to show lofts and such…etc. Very excited- getting more excited by the day.

I was telling someone that I only have to wait 10 more days (I can count it on 2 hands!) until I get to see him. 3…long…months…today. Has it really been that long? And why does it feel like longer most days and shorter on others? Weird.

He’s still on track to be the DG, so everyone’s praying for continued success and focus in that capacity. He’s ready to come home, so we’re also continuing to pray for focus there, as well. It’s got to be SO hard when the end is in sight, right there within arms reach and you just want to dump it all and run…but you know you can’t. He’s learned so much through this- I can’t wait to hear what he has to say and talk about and remember (or not remember!). 

On another note… the BIG HAIRCUT is tomorrow at 0900h.  (It’s for Locks of Love, btw, if you haven’t been paying attention.) I’m quite anxious. I know it’s just hair and it’ll grow if I don’t like it, but….eeeesh. I’m still nervous. So if you see me and you don’t like it….just tell me you do and fake it! 

Surprises in store for the next week or so. Stay tuned

JUST FREAKING KIDDING! CHANGE OF PLANS…YET AGAIN!!!!!

WELL . . . I should’ve expected this. I SOOOOO should have expected this. 

S’ graduation date has been changed YET AGAIN. And we won’t get to go. 

Apparently, they (his flight) all got together and decided that they wanted to graduate early, and my guy was the only one who really had a problem with it. Of course, they’re not going to keep the date the same for one person, so they changed the date. He’s now graduating on June 12. Thaaaaaaat’s right . . . one day before we were supposed to go out there, he’ll be graduating. So here I am, letting my feelings be known. I know, “crybaby, crybaby”…but here it is anyway.

I’m livid. I’m ticked off for a few reasons, one of the top reasons being we don’t get our money back. So not ONLY do I not get to spend time w/his mama on a flight out there (and anyone who knows me knows how I love planes and flights and airports)… not ONLY do I not get to see him achieve what he’s been working for since March 11… not ONLY do I not get to get out of this blasted city from which I was looking for a vacation… not ONLY do I not get to spend lots of time with him in the car on the way back… not ONLY does he have to come back home the same way he went out there (ALONE)… not ONLY am I absolutely kicking myself for not insisting on flying Southwest… not ONLY will I not be able to get pictures of my boy graduating with honors…but we don’t get even a BIT of our money back. See? Pissed, I tell you. I work hard for that money, and it’s just wasted. Hours of work, down the drain. 

OK . . . good things . . .

~ he’s coming home earlier
~ he’ll be able to start (and subsequently finish) his month of active duty earlier hich means he can go back to his “day job” earlier
~ he’ll have more time to spend w/his brother before he goes to Latvia (mission/research trip)
~ we don’t have to spend money on gas/food/hotel/car while we’re (not) there
~ I don’t have to skip work (wait, why is this good?)
~ he’s coming home EARLIER
~ I don’t have to buy the really hot clothes I was wanting to buy- haha
~ did I mention he’s coming home earlier?  

So, yes… I am upset. I am mad. I am incredibly disappointed. I am actually not that shocked. (I knew- I KNEW- in my heart that something like this would happen. I just KNEW it.) I am out that money I (we) spent, and ticked off that I (we) won’t get any return on it whatsoever. I am frustrated. (I am beyond frustrated, truth be told.) 

However… I am patient. I am understanding (or so I say I am). I am obedient to God’s will and His timing. I am (going to be) content in the fact that His timing is not mine, His ways are not mine and His thoughts are not mine. I am (going to be) resting in His faithfulness and His peace, not drowning myself in the pit of sorrow and anger that I could be in at the very moment and up until the time he physically leaves Wichita Falls, Texas. I am thankful- grateful- that He is bringing my boy home 3 days earlier than expected and that I will see him on the same day I was going to see him, albeit later in the day and with less pictures. :) am relying on God’s reasoning and perfect will that there is a reason behind this. I am confident in the Lord to bring HIS plans to fruition through His obedient and less-than-perfect servant-children. I am praising HIS wondeful name and giving HIM the glory for bringing S through this and keeping him safe and healthy and uplifting him through this trial. 

I told S that the only thing I wanted for my birthday was him home, and I’m getting that.

So. There it is. 

IT’S JUNE!

Thank you, GOD, for days that move faster than most, to get us to the month that I’ve been waiting for since March 11. Actually, I’ve been waiting on it for longer than that, truth be told (because we knew from the get-go that this would probably be a trial), but certainly since March 11.

Ah, yes, GOOD things happen in June!
~ I start school again tonight. (This isn’t necessarily “good” right now, only in that I’m finishing. UGH.)
~ I’ll get my hair chopped for Locks of Love this Thursday. (At least 10 inches- GONE.)
~ My daddy’s birthday is the 9th.
~ My sister-in-law’s birthday is the 12th.
~ I get to fly to Texas with my “Mama Sandra” to pick up my MAN and bring him home! (This should be first, but I’m trying for chronological order.)
~ We’ll get to see S for the whole weekend, then watch him graduate, then bring him home on Tuesday. That should be an…interesting to drive, to say the least!
~ My brother’s and my birthday on the 20th! This is a milestone for me(30), but I feel good about it. Michael will be 27 and has finished up his 1st year of med school. UNBELIEVABLE.
~ We ALL get to celebrate Father’s Day the day after our birthdays.
~ My brother and his wife celebrate their 5 year anniversary of being married to each other on the 26th.
~ S and I get to go to his 10 year high school reunion on the 27th!!
~ The above-mentioned date just happens to be a DEAR friend’s birthday, too.

As you can see, June is very full- of SUCH wonderful things!

My precious boy will graduate 2 weeks from tonight- and I’ll be there! Along with his mama, we’ll both get to see him graduate (as a Distinguished Graduate, we believe!) from tech school at Sheppard Air Force Base in Wichita Falls, Texas. No more having to remember when he’s in class so I can send him encouraging text messages, no more crazy schedule changes, no more long-distance calls (not that I pay for long-distance, I just hate him being “long-distance”!), no more accountability at certain hours of the day and weekend, no more forced PT (not the WORST things out there, surely), no more forced shaving, no more sending packages and waiting for them to get there (and waiting for him to check his mail!), no more doing double-duty at church with sermon notes (though that’s something I will miss, actually)…no more boyfriend in Wichita Falls, Texas. WOOHOO! YIPPEE! HALLELUJAH! More catch phrases I can’t think of right now!!

So there’s the quick update for now- we are anxiously counting down the days, though I believe mentally, S is already gone. Poor guy- we’re within DAYS of him being able to see on 2 hands the day he comes home, so it’s pretty tough for him right now. More to come later….